You know I pondered the idea of posting my thoughts today about an issue that took me back, there’s no other way to put it, and I was shocked, surprised, bewildered, and left numb. Hmm let’s see how to explain this without coming across evil, misunderstood, wounded, mad, sad, and pretty much bitchy. All those negative stereotypes the black women are labeled with.
I’m all about accepting responsibility it’s my new thing that’s leading me to a better me. I have made mistakes in my life. I’ve learned to not be so ashamed, simply because I won’t make those same mistakes again, leading me to believe I am wiser from those mistakes
Most of my mistakes come from the idea of pleasing a man wanting him to love me, accept me, care for me, and above all not to deceive me.
I was a lot younger than. Now I’m a bit hardened from all that crazy thinking. See now I just feel, if I love you, and I try 100% to be the women you need, that will be enough. I just want the same in return; nothing more, nothing less. I pride myself being Independent I don’t want a man for his money, I rather have his love, loyalty, commitment, and for him to make me feel like I’m the sexiest, pretties women alive.
I’m his, and he is mine. That’s all
You know ladies, once you’ve been hurt, it’s almost impossible to trust a man again. That is no exaggerating. You wait, and watch, and learn his ways to see if he’s different.
No matter how mentally strong you are, you never completely get over the unfaithfulness, and it leaves you scared. So any insignificant occurrence makes you suspicious. To hide something means you are ashamed, or guilty, its unconsciousness. To share something means to bring it out, open up its consciousness. I know relationships are hard, and I don’t mind a little test once in awhile, but I need the results to be proof of a secure commitment. Trust is like unreachable for me right now. Maybe I’m not giving that 100% more like 80%. Wow I have changed a lot I can see it through my typing, and reading this. I want to trust; I have the desire to be faithful, loving, and the idea of learning to administer my trust without the fear. Sometimes I wish there was a little green pill that a man could take to see inside of your heart. The only bad thing about it he would probably opt out. Chicken!!
Well if nothing else I feel better now. Have a peaceful day.

First meeting

Well I had my first support group meeting. I was hoping for at least 20 women, but I got four. I'm optimistic that as we push ahead many will come. It was a positive meeting, and we discussed how the structure of the meetings will go. The women were excited and offered lots of ideas. I'm thrilled about the positive attitude of the women, and how they open up. I'm sure we will get many more members. Its refreshing to share my ideas with the group. My benefit for developing, and the responsibility of keeping it growing is I get to challenge myself. I need to stay focus on all the new philosophy I have read and incorporate in my life. I felt very encouraged when we end the meeting. This is a much needed group, and I'm glad I was able to be the one who seen the vision. Peace!!

Dreams can come true ask Sen Obama

Today I get to take part in one mans dream. Obama had a thought that turned into a dream, and we the people, black people have the esteem privilege to be a part of this eye opening breath taking event.

In my lifetime I get to see a black man run for Commander and Chief of the United States. I’m in aw right now; I’m proud, excited, hopeful, and nervous. But most of all I’m thankful that he is brave enough to participate in such a life-changing experience. I’m blessed that my son gets the opportunity to witness a black man run for such an essential role in our free world. He now has concrete proof that that dreams can come true.

I’m watching the baton passed to Obama, and I have no doubts that our ancestors are smiling down with overwhelming pride. And I’m happy he has such an intelligent, strong black women to keep him centered, and much loved. I’m going to sit back and enjoy this history-changing event.

Peace

Now that I am really on this path of soul searching for the truth of who I am well I like to think of it as my enter Sabbatical. I am working and challenging myself daily on the idea of living in peace, and avoiding conflict, my goodness this is a difficult task, seeing as most of the time I'm a combative person, but I am truly enjoying this time in my life. I am learning so much about myself, some good stuff and well some bad too. But I'm okay with that I'm a little rough around the edges, but with working hard to live my life in peace and being the end result will be polished, and new. There is much I would like to share one is the ego " voice in our head" unfortunately my ego is negative thoughts, ideas, and in securities. I'm learning how to silence that voice, and struggle daily to ignore any negative ideologies. There is much to learn and, to cipher through. Its encouraging to know as days, weeks, months go by my life will reflect the new knowledge. I'm excited, and refreshed today. Keep peace in your heart!

Just wanted to take a minute, and share my exciting news. I've been working on establishing a group for single parent mothers. I am soooo excited. For sometime now I've wanted to do this. A group of women coming together sharing ideas, and experiences, and just having someone to call and lean on when times get rough. I cant wait for the first meeting scheduled on Sunday June 8Th to meet and plant the seed of growth. I believe mothers are a strong force in developing the future. You know the saying "children are the future" well I believe that whole heartily. But we mothers know it is the most difficult job in this World. I'm the proud mother of three children, two girls 21-19, and my son who is 13 and boy oh boy do I have my hands full. You know its funny at times I look back on my life, and I think if I could change this or that maybe things would be different for me. The one and only things I never think about changing is having my children. Yeah at times I have no clue what I'm doing, and I'm become a nervous wreck that I'm making a big mistake with the choices I make, but I just know that all my choices are made with the abundance of love, so I hope it is enough. I have to admit when I become weak I tap into the strength of my children. When I feel discouraged I tap into their ability to love me unconditionally, and that's enough love for me to pull myself together. Being a mother is the most fulfilling, and wondrous thing ever, and I'm truly thankful that God has blessed me with the most soul filling children ever. There is no question that I make mistakes, and run out of patience, but this is the one thing I know I was put on earth to do, because where else would I place all my love, and receive so much back. I'll keep you posted, wish me luck!

Just Be

I've been reading this book on Being in Balance. I am a firm believer that every existence everything must be balanced. For sometime now I have been unbalance and wasn't sure how to fix me, or my life. To be honest I'm not really into the self help stuff, but I am into references on subjects I know nothing about. For so long now I've been looking for balance, and finally I'm feeling confident that I have the knowledge now to pursue balance in my life. There is a caption in one of the chapters that read.."You become what you think about all day long" there are instrumental statements like this that really make me think. My biggest challenge will be the most important and its to simple JUST BE...For someone like me that's a hard quest. I'm stressful, frustrated, control and neat freak, but I have decided none of that matters if I'm sad, angry, and have forgotten to live. I have no choice but to "just be". I keep telling myself I have to be the change I want to see in the world. Please feel free to share with me any ideas on the topic. This will become who I am, so it would be nice to have support, and suggestions, as well as life story's on how you maintain balance. Peace and blessings to all

A statement of uncompromising truth

I read the statement from Michele Obama who, from the heart, stated; " for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country; because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback." From her history and mine, I understand that statement to be one of truth and clarity. In my opinion, the reason it was so full of truth is, when you look back into our history; what part exactly should we began to be proud of? Would it be the existence of slavery? Maybe, being treated less than animals?, or Was it the part where our families were ripped apart and sold as livestock? Or possibly, the knowledge of having no rights to voice an opinion, or a disagreement? NO FREEDOM! Maybe that is what we shall look back to find pride in. Versus now, a Black man running for President, better yet; her man running for President. She is now able to voice her opinion with pride? We have the pleasure of watching history unfold before our eyes. This black man has the esteemed privilege to become the Commander In Chief of the United States of America. Now that is something to be proud of.

Misunderstood

Often I feel I’m misunderstood. I thought I was always a good communicator, one who expresses her feelings well. But lately I’ve had difficult time explaining how I really and truly feel about my life, my aspirations, my words seem to get lost in over process feelings. I really think I try to prepare for life over studying trying to be prepared for anything that may come my way, but there is no preparation for life. It should be lived. Goodness I have such a profound life. And it’s speeding past me, because I’m trying to hard to control all that is around me. But if I control it it’s so very simplified for me. I can protect the ones I love, I can provide sanctuary for the hardness, I can administer the truth in small amounts, its all done out of love, and its so I can keep my sanity.
All things I do and say are misunderstood. I pray every day to be a better me. My life is full of wonderful people. People that have no idea how much I love them; there is no words to express how much I love them. I can only wish for their understanding, and to love me despite my shortcomings.